Holiday of Doom!
by Sauron Gorthaur
Summary: Bah, what could be more un-dark-lord-ish than a holiday to celebrate love and friendship? Dirk and his friends - er, minions - Chris and Sooz, decide to rival Valentine's Day with a holiday of their very own: Dark Lord style! Valentine's Day three-shot.
1. Part 1: A Holiday to Celebrate What?

**Holiday of Doom!  
****by Sauron Gorthaur**

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**A/N: This will be a little three-part Valentine's Day fic, with Part 3 posted on February – er, **_**Fall**_** – 14****th****. Please note, I have not yet read the third **_**Dark Lord**_** book, as it is not yet out in America (I know, it's killing me). This story is supposed to take place sometime after Book 2, so it may conflict with some of the events in Book 3. If this is the case, I hope you will be able to overlook any unintentional AU-ness on my part and enjoy this little bit of humor that I couldn't help writing when I imagined what would happen if Dirk discovered that we humans have a special holiday devoted to love. Read on, minions, if you dare…**

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Part 1: A Holiday to Celebrate…_What_?

It was a crisp mid-February morning in Whiteshields. Cars rumbled down the main street, carrying the adults to work, while the kids trotted down the sidewalks, heading for the Whiteshields School, bundled in their coats and scarves with their backpacks and book bags swung over their shoulders. It was the type of scene one would expect to see any Monday morning in a small town.

In particular, there were three middle school students chatting as they walked together to school. On the surface, they seemed to fit into the ordinary scene perfectly well; true, the girl in the middle was certainly Goth, but there was nothing overtly strange about that, and her companions looked like any two thirteen-year-old boys: one with corn-blonde hair and blue eyes, the other with mousy brown hair and dark eyes. However, anyone who assumed they were normal would have been wrong. Very wrong.

"…and it was only then that the fanatical paladins of that meddling wizard realized they'd walked straight into my trap!" said Dirk, regaling his companions with a tale of one of his triumphant defeats of Hasdruban. "Before they could scream in horror at the magnitude of their own folly, my Legion of Merciless Mayhem had cut them down. It was years before my enemies dared show their faces in the Darklands again. _Mwah, ha, ha!_"

"You know, you didn't have to kill them," said Sooz. "You could have just sprung your trap and taken them captive."

"Ah yes, that is true. But at the time of this battle, the Slave Pits of Never-Ending Toil were quite full – I don't know if I could have fit a whole other legion of paladins in without more expansions."

Sooz rolled her eyes, looking over at Chris and shaking her head.

Chris dug his hands deeper into his pockets and looked at Dirk thoughtfully. "I'm beginning to understand more and more why I can never beat you at _Fantasy Wars_," he mused. "It's disturbing how good you are at that stuff, Dirk."

Dirk puffed out his chest a little and placed his fingertips against it, like some comic book villain. "Not everyone is born with the makings of a true Dark Lord, Christopher. It takes a mind of matchless cunning and a heart as black as the Valley of Unending Night."

They walked several steps before Chris suddenly made a sound of what might have been pain, or perhaps just disgust. "Blast it!" he said, looking up at the house they were passing.

Dirk looked around. "Blast what?" he asked. "Phil Miller's house there? I know he's a mindless ogre bully, but blasting his house seems extreme, even for me. Plus, you know I don't have my powers here, Chris."

"No, no," said Chris, "no, it's just, this Friday is February 14th. The thing about your heart reminded me."

"Fall 14th, you mean," said Dirk.

"Yes, yes, well, Fall 14th then. It's this Friday."

Dirk was opening his mouth to ask what this had to do with blasting Phil Miller's house when Sooz gave an affected groan. "Oh no, not Feb- er, Fall 14th! I don't know if I'm going to survive this year. It's so…not Goth."

Dirk looked back and forth between his two companions, frowning slightly. "Tell me, what has distressed you both so deeply? What curse lies upon Fall 14th?"

Sooz giggled a little at Dirk's odd phraseology, but Chris grimaced. "It's Valentine's Day," he said ominously.

"And this Valentine's Day...what is that?" asked Dirk.

"It's a holiday we've got here on Earth," Sooz explained.

Dirk frowned deeper. He was familiar now with the human concept of these days of celebration. At first, the thought of bunches of people getting together to have a good time had made him nauseous, but he had to admit they weren't so bad. True, having to dress in nice clothes and accept greetings from various Purejoie relatives was aggravating, but there generally seemed to be lots of food, good food, at holidays, and this usually made up for it. He might have the heart and mind of a Dark Lord, but he had the body and appetite of a thirteen-year-old human boy-child.

"Yes, so?" he asked, folding his arms. "I thought you humans enjoyed holidays. And they are not really so bad. That one – what is it – _Halloween_, that was truly in my spirit. Though," he mused, pausing momentarily, "it would be better if, instead of handing out candy like sissies, they gave out roasted severed fingers or something like that."

Both Sooz and Chris gave him disturbed looks. They had known Dirk for a year now and were used to hearing him say things like that, but having known him a year also meant they knew he wasn't joking.

"Yeah, Halloween's not bad. It's the coolest time of year to be Goth," said Sooz. "But this is Valentine's Day. It's like the exact opposite. It's a holiday to celebrate love."

Dirk stopped dead in his tracks, looking appalled. "By the Nine Netherworlds, what atrocity is this?" he asked, looking from Sooz to Chris in bewildered horror. "A holiday to celebrate…_love_?"

"You're supposed to celebrate the loved ones in your life," Chris explained. "It's all about friendship and romance and all this girly stuff. You're supposed to write letters saying that you love each other, too. It's the sappiest thing on the face of the earth."

"Yeah," Sooz agreed. "And everyone decorates everything in pink and white. I hate pink," she said, making a face.

Dirk grimaced too, remembering the horrendous paint job with which Hasdruban had defiled his magnificent Iron Tower of Despair. "This is truly dismaying news," he said. "I cannot imagine anything that goes against the essence of a Dark Lord more than this."

"Yeah, and that's not the worst of it," Chris said, warming up to his subject. "Every year they always have a Valentine's Day party at school, and basically, you have to go unless you have a really, really good excuse not to, or the teachers keep bugging you about why you didn't come. You have to hand out your cards, and there are never any good games, and there are only these stupid little candy hearts with sappy love phrases that are always too hard to eat."

Sooz rolled her eyes. "During classes this week, they're probably going to make us do stuff to get ready for it. Battleaxe will probably have us cutting out hearts in English today."

Dirk, who'd been looking progressively more horrified, perked up at that. "Cutting out hearts? Finally, a useful skill being taught at this school of yours! Whose hearts do we cut out? What do we do with them afterwards? Sacrifice them? Eat them?"

Chris looked disturbed, but Sooz gave a small laugh as she realized she'd chosen her words poorly, considering it was Dirk she was with. She leaned over, giving him a playful nudge to the shoulder. "No, no, fudge boy. Paper hearts. Valentine hearts. That's what they make us write the love letters on. But that would be way more interesting if we used real hearts. I mean, not real human hearts from living people. Like, if we dissected animals in Science and gave the hearts to someone you liked. The other girls at school would be so grossed-out!"

Chris grinned, getting into the mood. "Yeah, but imagine if we did cut out someone's heart for Valentine's Day. Like, whoever has the lowest grade in class on Valentine's Day gets their heart cut out. I bet everyone would turn in their homework then!"

All three of them laughed and then walked on in companionable silence. Two of them were thinking how weird it was that they were laughing and walking with their best friend, who just happened to be a Dark Lord from another dimension. One of them was thinking how weird it was that he had friends at all.

The gates of the school loomed before them. As they joined the stream of other kids making their way into the school building, Dirk leaned over and whispered to his friends. "We shall find a way to defeat this hideous holiday of love with its paper hearts and pinkness. Never fear, I the Great Dirk will never allow such a thing to overcome me!"

Barely any of the students turned their heads as the all-too-familiar maniacal laughter of a Dark Lord rang through the school entrance.

"_Mwah, ha, ha!_"


	2. Part 2: A Holiday Befitting a Dark Lord

Part 2: A Holiday Befitting a Dark Lord

Dirk, Chris, and Sooz were sitting in English class. True to Sooz's prediction, the Valentine's spirit was in the air. Mrs. Batelakes had read them all several supposedly famous love poems from past centuries, all of which Dirk found unbearably sappy, after which she had distributed sheets of paper to the class (most of which were indeed pink and white), instructing them to try out writing their own romantic poetry.

She held up her own example, a hideous pink blob with lacy white stuff glued around the border and darker pink words – _I LOVE YOU_ – in the middle, and claimed it was a heart, at which point Dirk interrupted loudly ("Bah! I have never seen a heart shaped like that, certainly not a human heart, and believe me, I have held plenty of hearts in my own hands, some still beating with the dark magic of human sacrifice!") until Mrs. Batelakes had told him to sit down and be quiet so that she could read her own poetic composition. By then though, the whole room of goblin-children was giggling, so she merely sighed and distributed several copies of the "roses are red" rhyme, telling them to try writing their own variation.

Sooz grabbed a sheet of actually red paper and a black pen and set about Goth-ifying her heart by drawing dripping blood letters like the ones on her AngelBile bag. Chris sat, staring at a white piece of paper in front of him, leaning his chin on his hand with his elbow on his desk and tapping a pencil against the paper in a bored manner while staring at the wall. Unexpectedly, Dirk seized a sheet and began scribbling energetically on it, pausing only occasionally to tap his red marker against his chin and stare upward before he continued with gusto.

Ten minutes or so before the end of class, Mrs. Batelakes called for their attention. Most of the kids, who still had completely blank sheets of paper or half cut-out hearts in front of them, sighed with relief. Their relief was short-lived however, when Mrs. Batelakes said in an overly enthusiastic voice. "All right, we have several minutes until the end of class. Who would like to share what you wrote?"

Unsurprisingly, no one volunteered. The kids sat at their desks, staring unobtrusively down at their desks and hoping they wouldn't get called on.

Then a hand went up in the back. Mrs. Batelakes smiled, pleased to have a volunteer, until she saw to whom the hand was attached. Then Mrs. Batelakes closed her eyes briefly and her smile became a little more forced.

"Dirk Lloyd, it had better be serious and it had better be appropriate."

"Of course it is, Mrs. Batelakes," Dirk said with overt politeness and a smile that made Mrs. Batelakes shudder.

"All right, let's hear what you wrote," she said, already feeling certain that this was going to end badly. But it was obvious that no one else was going to volunteer.

Dirk stood up and read his poem out imperiously.

"_Roses are red.  
__Violets are blue.  
__My soul is pitch-black.  
__My heart is black, too._

_Your blood will be red,  
__Your face will be blue,  
__If you don't start running,  
__Before I obliterate you!"_

Dirk was taking a breath to continue with the next stanza when Mrs. Batelakes hurriedly interrupted him. "All right, Dirk, that is quite enough! You may sit down."

Dirk was glaring at Mrs. Batelakes and furiously thinking through the spells he knew for one that would properly punish someone who interrupted Dark Lords in the middle of reading their fabulous poetic compositions when the bell rang for the end of class. Instantly, the children reverted to their more goblin-like natures, pushing and jostling each other as they scrambled to get out of their seats and out the door as quickly as possible.

Dirk, Chris, and Sooz met back up in the hallway after extricating themselves from the stream of other students. Chris grinned at Dirk. "Ha, that was great back there, Dirk. I like what you did with that horrid Valentine's poem. _Obliterate_ – that's a good word. I like it. _Obliterate_. I couldn't think of a single thing."

"Yeah," Sooz agreed, "That was really cool. I loved the thing about your heart and soul being black. Really Goth. I didn't know you were a poet, Dirk."

"The skills of a Dark Lord are far-reaching and numerous," Dirk said airily. "You never know what you might need. My talents stretch much farther than the reachings of your limited human minds can imagine."

Sooz snorted then shook her head with a laugh. "Oh Dirk, you are so full of it."

Dirk looked at her with one eyebrow raised. "Full of it? Full of what? Charisma? Dark power? The dread majesty of a Dark Lord?"

"Yeah, definitely. _All_ of that, my Imperial Dirkness," Chris said, trying to hide a grin.

Dirk looked back and forth between the two of them suspiciously as they tried to contain their giggles. He had now lived a full year around them and he was getting better at telling when his friends were taking advantage of his ignorance in Earth lingo. But ever since he'd caught Chris with the whole nitwit thing, they'd been more cautious about what fibs they fed him.

Chris saw Dirk staring and wiped the grin off his face, taking on a more serious and studious expression. "Er, actually, during class, I was thinking about the problem of the Valentine's Party and how we might get out of doing it," he said, changing the subject. "I think I might have an idea."

Sooz looked interested and Dirk gave a gracious, lordly nod. "Do enlighten us, Chris," he said. "What strategy have you devised to rid us of this undignified, do-gooder holiday?"

"Well," said Chris, "you know how people have different holidays in different countries. And if you're from a different culture or different religion, sometimes you'll celebrate other holidays instead of the usual ones."

"Yeah, like Jews celebrating Hanukkah and Americans celebrating Thanksgiving," Sooz put in.

"Exactly," said Chris with an appreciative grin at Sooz. "Well, I was thinking, what if we made our own holiday, you know, to compete with Valentine's Day? Then we could say we're celebrating our holiday instead. And I was thinking, since Dirk isn't actually from Earth anyway, we could make some sort of holiday for his world. A Darklands holiday."

Dirk thought about this for a moment and then his face lit up in a diabolical grin. "Ah, that is genius, Christopher. Truly, it is genius. You are indeed the most cunning and loyal minion a Dark Lord could wish for!"

A year ago, Chris would have sulked at being mitigated to a minion, but by now, he knew this was high praise indeed from Dirk. He gave a little bow. "I'm glad to be of service, my Lloyd of Dirkness."

"A Darklands holiday," Sooz mused. "What should this holiday be like? If it's a holiday, shouldn't it properly be celebrating something?"

"Yeah, and what should we call it?" said Chris.

Dirk stopped walking, putting a hand to his chin. "We do not have any holidays in the Darklands, but you are right, we must do this properly. As to what we shall celebrate, of course, that is obvious. It shall be a holiday to celebrate the greatest, most brilliant, most talented of individuals. It will be a holiday to celebrate _me_, of course!"

He looked at his two friends, beaming and clearly seeking agreement. Chris bit his lip, but Sooz raised her eyes to the ceiling. "Yeah, of _course_. We _never_ would have considered _anything_ else."

Either not noticing or ignoring Sooz's molasses-thick sarcasm, Dirk continued enthusiastically. "It shall be a holiday in celebration of the Great Dirk, conveniently placed on the day of Fall 14th. Who would wish to continue celebrating such a pink-ridden, lickspittle holiday as Valentine's when you could join the other peoples of Earth in revering a great and powerful Dark Lord? And not just the peoples of Earth. When I return to the Darklands, I shall see to it that all my people begin celebrating this magnificent holiday, as well. The very first holiday of the Darklands. And as for what to call it: Dirk's Day! Yes, we shall call it Dirk's Day. _Mwah, ha, ha!_"

At the tail end of Dirk's evil overlord laugh, however, the bell rang for the next class.

"We shall continue planning the demise of Valentine's Day after Social Studies, my Child of the Night and my loyal Mouth of Dirk," the Dark Lord whispered to his friends as they hurried into their next class.

~o~o~o~

"So, Dirk's Day. What are we going to do on Dirk's Day?" asked Sooz.

The Court in Exile was in session, though at the moment, it was just Chris, Sooz, and Dirk sitting around their table during lunch, eating homemade sandwiches and sharing a bag of potato chips that Mrs. Black had sent in Sooz's lunch bag.

Dirk gave her a quizzical look. "Why, everyone reveres me on Dirk's Day, of course," he said, like this was the most obvious thing in the worlds.

Sooz rolled her eyes at him. "Yeah, I get that, but what are we going to actually _do_? Like traditions and stuff. Every holiday needs to have traditional stuff that you do."

Dirk tapped a potato chip against his chin a few times before popping it into his mouth and chewing in a slow, contemplative manner. He swallowed and his face brightened. Not that his face ever really brightened. It was more like an evil de-illumination. "Well, we could set up some kind of throne – I'm sure there's nothing nearly impressive enough or as Evil as my Throne of Skulls, but I'm sure we could find something fitting – and I could sit in all my dark splendor and hold court while allowing the peoples of Earth to file by and pay me their tributes."

Chris and Sooz exchanged a look, then Chris coughed a little to get Dirk's attention. When he had successfully diverted Dirk from his evil daydreams, he said with a slight hesitation, "Um, that's great, but, uh, we actually want people to celebrate Dirk's Day, right?"

"Yes, of course," Dirk answered with a tiny frown, catching the tone of Chris's voice.

"Well then, uh, we probably want to have some things that people are actually going to want to do."

Dirk's face darkened to a scowl. "Are you suggesting that I am not worthy of tribute and honor? I am giving the peoples of Earth a great and magnanimous opportunity to revere a being higher than their puny human minds can even begin to comprehend. Do you think they would be so ungrateful, not to mention so foolish, as to refuse my gracious offer? Or is it that you yourself are jealous to see me receiving the honor that you wish for yourself, Chris?"

Sooz jumped in, seeing the danger and not wanting to deal with one of Dirk's impressive temper tantrums. She put her hand on his shoulder. "No, Dirk, it's not like that at all," she said in a placating voice. "It's just that–" she searched around in her mind for a suitable explanation. "It's just that, Dirk, well, most people on Earth haven't seen what we've seen. They don't know how great you really are. Most of them think you're just a thirteen-year-old boy. They wouldn't really understand what a generous offer you're making to them."

Under Sooz's soothing attention, Dirk calmed back down. "Yes, Sooz, of course, you are perfectly right," he replied. "I suppose I am not the most impressive of figures in this incarnation." He frowned down thoughtfully at his small human body. "No, you are right. We must find a way to lure my worshippers in before they can properly appreciate my grandeur and aura of evil power. Ah, but how?"

Chris had been sulking momentarily after Dirk's accusation and the fact that Sooz had been able to appease him so easily, but the excitement and fun of the occasion was too much to keep him down for long. "Hey," he said, "I've got an idea. You're really good at strategy stuff, right, Dirk?"

"Of course," Dirk answered. "What does that have to do with Dirk's Day?"

"Well, if it's going to be a day in honor of you, we should do stuff to remind people of you, to honor the things you're good at, right? And you're super good at strategy, so on Dirk's Day, everyone should play strategy games. It could be chess or checkers or something like that, or we could play stuff like _Fantasy Wars_ and _Battlecraft_. We could set up my Xbox and my computer and bring out all our strategy boards games for people to play!"

"Sweet!" said Sooz. "We could get _Realm of Shadows_ going, too. That sounds awesome."

Dirk nodded, pleased. "A chance to show off my superb strategy skills. A commendable plan."

"Hey Chris, Sooz. Hey Dirk, can I join you guys?"

Chris scooted over to make room at the table for his friend, Pete Nutley. "Hey Nutters, we're creating a holiday for Dirk!"

Over the next minute, the three of them explained their idea to Nutters as he nibbled on his cafeteria french fries. When they had finished, he nodded. "Awesome, I'm in. I hate going to the Valentine's Day parties. The girls all go around in gangs and then they corner you and try to put pink glitter in your hair and stupid girl stuff like that. Not you Sooz, of course," he added when Sooz looked offended. "I mean, I'd do _anything_ to get out of the Valentine's Day party, but your party actually sounds really cool."

He ate another french fry, staring thoughtfully at a poster on the wall advertising the baseball team tryouts. "You need official Dirk's Day colors though. Like, there's green and red for Christmas, orange and black for Halloween…"

"…Pink and white for Valentine's," said Sooz with a shudder.

"Black," Dirk decided immediately. "Everyone should wear black on Dirk's Day."

"Ha, that'll be easy for Sooz," said Chris. "Every day is Dirk's Day for her."

Sooz looked haughtily down her nose at him. "Black is the best color. I think it'll be perfect for Dirk's Day." She looked at Dirk. "People could dress kind of Goth for Dirk's Day, what do you think? I mean, you're not completely Goth, but it's the same general idea. I've always thought it would be awesome to have a Goth holiday."

Dirk gave her an indulgent smile. "For you, my little Vampire, of course."

Sooz beamed.

Chris jumped in with another idea. "Hey, we should make everyone talk Dirkspeak on Dirk's Day, too. It'd be funny."

Nutters raised his eyebrows. "Dirkspeak?"

"You know, how Dirk talks, like a Dark Lord," said Sooz. She deepened her voice and spoke imperiously. "Kneel before me, puny humans, or I shall obliterate you with the Claw of Ripping Death. _Mwah, ha, ha!_"

All three of the boys laughed at her imitation. Dirk wiped a tear from the corner of his eye. "Ah, you do an excellent imitation of me, Sooz. This will be an amusing holiday." He regained his composure and dark dignity. "However, it must be made clear that I am still the only true Dark Lord. It would not be befitting for others to call _me_ a puny human. And it seems rather foolish for them to call each other puny humans when they are all humans themselves of equal puniness. They must not be allowed to think that they could actually achieve the greatness of a Dark Lord just because they are allowed to speak like one."

"Hey, I made a fine Dark Lady and I'm human," Sooz countered, putting her hands on her hips indignantly.

"Yes, you did not do badly, my Child of the Night," Dirk replied with a small smile. "But most humans do not have your flair for the Darkness. And not even you could compare with the full grandeur of the Great Dirk himself."

Sooz scowled, but before anyone could say anything else, Sal Malik slid in to join them. "Yo, Dark Lord, what's the Court discussing?"

Chris and Nutters enthusiastically filled the Sports Lord in on Dirk's Day. Sal nodded thoughtfully all the while. When they were finished, he said, "Food. You gotta have food. All holidays have some sort of food. People will like that."

There was a moment of silence. Chris, Nutters, and Dirk, none of whom knew the second thing about cooking, stared at the table top and pretended to be thinking. Sooz, on the other hand, screwed her face up in real concentration. "I've got an idea for that," she said finally.

"What?" the boys asked in unison, looking up eagerly at her.

She grinned. "I think I'll make it a surprise. But don't worry, you can count on me to provide the food. I think you'll really like it, Dirk," she said, casting him a wink.

Dirk looked at her curiously for a moment, like he might demand the explanation, but he apparently decided against it, giving a curt nod instead. "That will work well. Sooz shall provide the all-important food. Chris shall be Keeper of the Games of Strategy. Sports Lord Sal, Nutters, I trust you shall help us alert the school that the Dark Lord's Court in Exile is holding its very own Dirk's Day party, the first ever celebration of what shall become the greatest of all human holidays."

"Sounds good to me," said Nutters.

"Sure," said Sal.

Dirk rubbed his hands together eagerly. "Let the announcements be sent forth! Let my minions gather about me for the celebration of the great Dirk's Day. Down with Valentine's and all its pink atrocity! From henceforth, Fall 14th shall be a holiday befitting a Dark Lord!"


	3. Part 3: Let the Great Dirk's Day Begin!

Part 3: Let the Great Dirk's Day Begin!

The next day at Whiteshields School, there were numerous new posters hanging up throughout the building. They looked something like this:

Sick and tired of sappy, do-gooder pinkness and candy hearts?  
Ready to finally do something worthwhile with your short human lives?

Come celebrate the very first ever

DIRK'S DAY!

a brand new holiday in honor of our Dark Lord  
at the residence of Christopher Purejoie and Dirk Lloyd  
_on this Fall (February) 14th in the Year of Our Dark Lord 2 at 6pm.  
_Free food and games of strategy provided!  
Only those dressed in the traditional black of Dirk's Day will be permitted.

RSVP to a member of the Dark Lord's Court in Exile  
(Dirk Lloyd, Christopher Purejoie, Susan Black, Pete Nutley, or Sal Malik)

Come, human minions, one and all.  
Let the great DIRK'S DAY begin!  
_Mwah, ha, ha!_

At the bottom of each poster was an imprint of Dirk's Seal.

There had been some disagreement amongst the makers of the posters (Chris and Dirk) Monday evening during their creation. Dirk had wanted to list the date for the party as Fall 14th ("It is time they started using my calendar like proper minions if they wish to do me true honor.") but Chris insisted they include the old date ("How are they supposed to start celebrating you if they don't know when to do it? Most of them don't even know about your calendar yet. You have to teach them about it before you start using it!") but they'd finally compromised by making 'February' parenthetical, which satisfied Dirk as it looked properly less important that way.

There had also been some disagreement over the wording of the line about the dress code. "No, no, we can't say it's 'traditional' black," Chris argued. "Traditional means it's, like, you know, a tradition. That people have done it before. It can't be traditional if it's the very first time anyone's ever celebrated Dirk's Day."

Dirk had scowled dangerously. "And how do you think traditions become traditions, Chris? Because people like I determine that they shall be so! And Dirk's Day _shall_ become a tradition, I shall see to that."

In the end, Chris had shook his head and just typed in what Dirk told him without any more arguments about the matter.

Mrs. Purejoie had looked rather startled when Chris and Dirk informed her over breakfast Tuesday morning that they were holding a party there on Friday. She looked around the kitchen with a slightly deer-in-the-headlights (or as Dirk thought of it, "elf-child-at-goblin-spear-point") expression, clearly thinking about the amount of cleaning she was going to have to do in the next few days in preparation for the party, even though the house was always terribly spotless in Dirk's opinion. "Well, all right, dears," she'd said, "But next time, you really should ask me first." Then she'd frowned. "Isn't there already the school party for Valentine's this Friday, though?"

"Exactly," said Chris.

When Mrs. Purejoie looked confused, Dirk elaborated. "My brilliant mind has contrived the perfect way to once and for all eradicate that laughable, do-gooder holiday once known as Valentine's. From henceforth, Fall 14th is Dirk's Day, a celebration of Evil and my glorious Dark Lord grandeur."

Mrs. Purejoie gave him a small, disturbed glance then replaced it quickly with an indulgent smile. "Of course, sweetheart. I'm sure you'll have lots of fun with all your friends from school."

Dirk looked down his nose. "Fun? Friends? Bah! I shall relish the veneration I rightly deserve from those sniveling goblin-children whom I grace with my presence five days a week at their lowly school. Chris, hand me the roasted halfling flesh, will you?"

As Chris handed Dirk the plate of bacon, Mrs. Purejoie raised her eyes to the ceiling.

By lunchtime that Tuesday, when the Court in Exile met again, they already had collected three RSVPs from a few of the irregular members of the Court who sometimes dropped by to "bask in the glory of a Dark Lord's awesome presence" as Dirk described it. Sooz and Sal had both been asked a few questions about the party by some other students who were showing interest, as well.

Over the next two days, as news of Dirk's Day spread through the school as steadily and relentlessly as a pool of Essence of Evil, the Court began raking in the RSVPs. By Thursday evening, Dirk was gloating over their guest list in an eruption of dark ecstasy. "Look, Christopher, look," he reveled. "I knew they would be drawn to my splendor as surely as vampires to the sweet blood of elf-children. Dirk's Day shall spread to the farthest reaches of the Earth. It shall be…what is it Sooz would say…it shall be…A HIT!"

He threw back his head and let out his very best Dark Lord laugh, at least, as best he could do with the voice of a thirteen-year-old boy. "_Mwah, ha, ha!_"

Dirk was even more antsy than usual all day Friday during classes. He got detention from Mr. Grout in Social Studies for not paying attention and then talking back when he was asked to listen (and probably for threatening Mr. Grout with evisceration for interrupting his thoughts, which were, of course, far more important than the drivel being taught in the class), but even this could not dampen his high spirits. As soon as the bell rang for the last class of the day, Dirk and Chris hurried back home, parting ways with Sooz who was still being mysterious about what exactly she was bringing for food. "See you guys in a couple hours," she said, giving them both a wave as she turned down the street towards her own residence.

Dirk and Chris dashed up the steps into their house, only pausing long enough for Mrs. Purejoie to greet them with her customary "How was school, dears?" and plant a kiss on each boy's cheek. Dirk did not even bother to make his usual show of wiping off the kiss in disgust or pretending like it was searing acid that burned into his cheek, so focused was he on the preparations at hand. He and Chris disappeared into his room for the next hour or so, putting the finishing touches to their grand plans.

The doorbell rang at a quarter to 4, pulling Chris and Dirk away from their preparations. Dirk had summoned all his darkly artistic powers and used long rolls of black construction paper to create linked garlands of grinning black skulls which he had strewn down the stairwell. Chris had dug in their basement, going through the dusty old boxes in storage and had come up with two lava lamps that had probably belonged to Mr. Purejoie when he was a kid. One was purple, the other red, and Dirk had been both fascinated and delighted with this particular find, claiming that they would create the perfect atmosphere of true Evil ambiance. They'd turned them on in the living room, one at either end, and replaced the regular lacy curtains over the windows with black sheets that blocked out most of the afternoon light. The eerie mingled glow of purple and red in the dark room elicited a delightedly maniacal laugh from Dirk.

In addition, they'd borrowed various other items from Sooz, all appropriately Goth and Evil and set them up in the "Hall of Splattered Blood" as Dirk had renamed the living room for the time being in honor of the red lava lamp which Dirk insisted was probably congealed globules of dragon blood. They'd laid out Sooz's black and red skull rug in the middle of the floor, piling the Abominable Board Games of Strategy ("Why abominable? They're not abominable" said Chris. "Because 'the board games' sounds boring and not at all Evil, you nitwit," said Dirk.) on top of it. They knew it was coming along quite well when Mrs. Purejoie walked by to see how they were doing and had gone pale at the sight of the transformation of her chintzy living room into a lair of Evil. She had tried to convince Dirk to at least let in some light through one window and take away the skull rug, but Dirk had given her that bone-chilling smile of his and Mrs. Purejoie had relented and hurried back into her immaculate kitchen, muttering something about children's tastes these days.

Dirk opened the front door to find Sooz on the doorstep, her AngelBile bag hanging from one arm and a covered platter in her hands. Stepping through the door, she saw the Hall of Splattered Blood. Her eyes went big. "Wow, Dirk, did you guys do all of this just now? It looks fantastic!" She gave a little delighted squeal and hugged Dirk. "This is gonna be the best holiday ever!"

Dirk gave her an affectionate squeeze in return. "Our preparations are in place, and the time will soon arrive when all my plans shall come to fruition. It shall truly be a day to be remembered in awe in the annals of all humanity. I believe I have indeed outdone myself in this glorious defeat of that lickspittle Holiday Which Shall No Longer Be Named."

"I found the lava lamps," said Chris indignantly, miffed that he hadn't earned a hug and that Dirk was taking all the credit for the decoration.

Sooz went over and gave Chris a hug, too. "They look great. Wow, I haven't seen a lava lamp in forever! My aunt had one when I was little. They really give the room the right aura."

Dirk was eyeing the covered platter that Sooz had set down on the shelf upon entering. "And what of your own preparations, my little Vampire? How went the making of the food that shall keep my venerators groveling before me in gratitude all evening long?"

Sooz grinned and, picking up the platter, whipped the tin foil covering off.

On the platter were several dozen cupcakes with mixed black and red cake that made it look a little like blood was oozing out of them. However, the best part was the icing. Sooz had individually spread the grey and black icing over each one in the pattern of Dirk's Seal. She held the platter up to Dirk. "I've got more of them outside on my bike. Would the Great Dirk like to be the first to test out Sooz's Sinister Seal Cupcakes?"

Dirk picked one carefully up and gazed at it with an almost tender expression, as if he was hesitant to eat the carefully-crafted, edible facsimile of his Seal. Closing his eyes, he took a bite out of the side of the cupcake. For a few seconds, he chewed pensively and then an evil grin spread over his features. "And I thought I was the one who was overdoing myself! You have done me proud, my Child of the Night. Only one who has tasted the glory and power of being a Dark Lord, or in your case a Dark Lady, could have created such an exquisitely tasteful and evil delicacy for my service."

Sooz blushed and grinned. "Aww, thanks, Dirk. You can really be sweet when you want to be."

Dirk frowned. "Sweet? Sooz, I am many things and there are many more adjectives that may be used to describe me than the average human vocabulary can hold, but I do not think such a saccharine term is a proper description of any being of the Darkness, let alone a proper epithet for one such as myself. I am the Dark Lord Dirk, the destroyer of holidays of love and pinkness, the obliterator of sappy do-gooderness, a consuming fire to all the insufferable qualities once associated with Fall 14th. I am not 'sweet'."

Sooz gave him a mischievous grin. "Of course you're not, Dirk. We wouldn't want to ever belittle your complete and utter Evilness, now would we?"

Over the following hour and a half, the Dark Lord and his two friends finished the preparations. Sooz spread a black blanket over one of Mrs. Purejoie's coffee tables, laid out blood-red napkins and paper plates, and arranged her Sinister Seal Cupcakes artistically upon it while Chris laid out a package of black licorice. Dirk, in a stroke of evil genius while inspecting his minions' work, added to this arrangement bottles of ice water into which he dripped red food coloring, producing a truly vile-looking drink which brought forth an enthusiastic "That is so _gross_!" from Sooz. She took a sip, allowing some of the fake blood to trickle over her chin, just like the vampire Dirk always called her, which made the boys laugh.

Dirk mysteriously vanished about half an hour to 6. Sooz and Chris weren't too concerned though, assuming their Dark Lord friend was merely seeing to some last minute idea. They lounged in the Hall of Splattered Blood together, deciding on a playlist for the evening, something Dirk had graciously allowed them to oversee, mostly because he himself was still largely unfamiliar with all the metal bands that Sooz and Chris liked. Chris had changed into a pair of black jeans and a black shirt (which he'd borrowed from Nutters when he'd discovered that he didn't actually own anything black), while Sooz, of course, was in full Goth getup, from her clunky black boots to her heavy black eyeliner, bright red lipstick, and purple eye shadow. Sooz had just hooked up her iPod to Chris's sound system and started playing "Bleeding Melancholy Tonight", one of her favorite Morti songs, when Nutters rang the doorbell.

Chris greeted his friend at the door with an animated if somewhat stunted "Who dares disturb this realm of Evil? Answer or I shall disembowel you with, er, with, uh, SOMETHING REALLY BAD!" to which Nutters gave a similarly enthusiastic pseudo-Dirkspeak reply. By ten to 6, Sal had also appeared, with a bag of black tortilla chips and super-spicy "lava" salsa, which were added to the Table of Vile Victuals. Over the next ten minutes, Chris was kept busy answering the doorbell as more and more "venerators" appeared, while Sooz settled in nicely to her self-appointed role of Dark Lady, showing the guests into the Hall of Splattered Blood, making sure they had a "vampire's blood goblet", and generally enjoying the ability to wield an air of dark authority without the burdens that came from the duties of being a real Dark Lady.

As the clock in the dining room struck 6, everyone's eyes were turned to the stairs. Down the stairs strutted Dirk himself, dressed in a black robe with a Halloween cloak draped over his shoulders. He'd slicked down his mousy hair with water, darkening it and giving him a sinisterly sleek impression. Dave the Black Storm Crow perched threateningly on Dirk's shoulder, eyeing the crowd below with his malicious, red-eyed gaze. On his right hand, Dirk wore his Great Ring, which, although powerless, nicely completed the Dark Lord's ominous aura.

He stopped in the middle of the stairs, gazing imperiously down over the upturned faces of his guests who filled the Hall of Splattered Blood and the dining room. Slowly and theatrically raising his arms, he declared in a dark and solemn voice: "Welcome, welcome, minions. You have all made a wise decision in electing to abandon your former, laughable customs of celebrating the day of that Valentine – may his memory languish in eternal fire – and instead choosing to gather together here in honor of Dirk's Day. Had you chosen otherwise, I can assure you that the consequences would have been dire. But now that you have all proven your loyalty to one deserving of such standings among you as I, the Dark Lord welcomes you and invites you to partake in this celebration of victorious Darkness. No more of sickening pinkness and hideous paper hearts. No more of sappy love and mindless friendship. No more craven adoration of do-gooder nonsense."

He lifted his hands above his head, causing Dave to flap above him cawing, and declared dramatically, "LET THE GREAT DIRK'S DAY BEGIN!"

Everyone cheered.

An hour later, Dirk slipped outside. Behind him in the house, Sooz's music was pounding like an entire army of marching orcs, interspersed with laughter and occasional outbursts of attempted Dirkspeak. The Sinister Seal Cupcakes had gone over fantastically, and Sooz was regaling any listeners who would pay attention of how she had almost single-handedly arranged the defeat of the terrible Black Slayer.

The best moment of the evening for him so far had definitely been when Sooz had called for silence and then asked him to come to the front of the room, exchanging a meaningful smile with Chris at the same time. When he had done so, Chris had brought forward a box wrapped in black paper, which Sooz had presented to him. "For you," she'd said. "Because having a Dark Lord in our lives has made everything so much more awesome."

Upon opening the box, Dirk's breath had (almost) caught. Lying folded in the box was what looked suspiciously like…

He'd pulled it out, letting the cloak unfold. Blood-red glyphs were carefully stitched all over the black material. For a second, he'd gaped. It couldn't be his old Cloak of Endless Night, could it? After all, he'd burned it to open the window portal back to his own world.

"I know you miss your old cloak," Sooz said. "I know it's not an exact replica, and the glyphs don't have any power, I know, but I thought you might like having it to remind you of the Darklands along with your Ring. I made it all myself. I even got some advice online from a cosplay expert on how to do it."

Dirk draped the new cloak over his shoulders, noting that it was perfect for his height, unlike the Halloween cloak he'd been making do with ever since he burned his Cloak. However, something about it puzzled him. "Cosplay?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "Who is this Cosplay, and how does he know about my cloak? Have you somehow discovered an alternate way to contact my world, Sooz?" He frowned down at the cloak. "If so, I must say this Cosplay doesn't truly know what he's talking about. These glyphs, they do not look like any Glyphs of Power I have ever seen-"

Sooz rolled her eyes and bumped her shoulder against his. "That's because I just made the glyphs up myself, you doofus. I don't _actually _know what any Glyphs of Power look like!"

Dirk had looked at her seriously and then allowed a small smile to cross his face. "Thank you, my Child of the Night," he said. "It will serve me very well."

Sooz made a sound that he assumed was indicative of pleasure, though personally he thought it sounded more like the type of noise a halfling would make if it was stepped on by Gargon. She leaned over and gave him a kiss on the cheek, just as she'd done the day he gave her his Ring. "You're welcome, Dirk," she said, beaming.

Standing on the porch, Dirk smiled at the memory, running his fingers over his new Cloak of Endless Night. Overhead, Dave the Storm Crow cawed and flew off into the dark night sky. Dirk looked up, staring at the pale face of the moon glowing against the darkness and remembered, somewhat nostalgically, the soft luminescence that filled his Iron Tower of Despair. It was true he missed his Darklands, his powers, even, he had to admit, his wars and battles against Hasdruban, but this Earth wasn't so bad. Chris and Sooz really were the best minions any Dark Lord could ever want.

A random thought entered his mind, causing his evil smile to widen. What would that do-gooder Valentine think if he knew that the Great Dirk had defeated – no, _obliterated_ – his holiday with such a successful one of his own? He sounded like some sissy cousin of the White Wizard, in Dirk's opinion. He hoped that wherever this Valentine was, he was able to see how utterly and triumphantly Dirk had overcome his pink holiday of friendship and love. Dirk shook his head. What Dark Lord in his right mind would ever allow such a disgusting thing as a holiday of _love_ to exist unopposed?

The door opened behind him, and Chris stepped out onto the porch. "Hey, Dirk, what are you doing?"  
"I am gazing upon the moon and reveling in my glorious victory over that lickspittle Valentine, whoever he may be," Dirk replied, completely straight-faced. "How about you, Chris?"

Chris coughed a little, not at all sure how to follow up a statement like that. Sometimes he just couldn't tell whether Dirk was really being serious or not. Most of the time, it was more disturbing to think that he probably was serious.

"Uh, I'm great. I was just checking to make sure you were OK, slipping off from your, er, worshippers and all that. I just wanted to make sure you're having a good time. It's your holiday after all."

Dirk turned around and eyed Chris thoughtfully, which made Chris squirm a little under his unnerving gaze. But finally, a smile crept over the Dark Lord's face. "You know, Christopher, I am actually quite well. Yes, I really am. I may not have my Iron Tower of Despair, or my powers, my Great Ring may be utterly useless, I may be trapped in this horrid, puny form, but you know, I really am feeling-"

Before Dirk could finish, the door opened again and Sooz stepped out between the two boys. She shivered. "Brrr, aren't you guys cold? Sal's asking about starting up a game of Stratego with someone, and Nutter's setting up the Xbox for _Battlecraft_. Wanna come in and show off your skills, Dirk?"

Dirk smiled, almost warmly. He reached out, placing one hand on Chris's shoulder and the other on Sooz's. "Yes, let us do as you recommend, my little Vampire. Come, my minions, that sounds most excellent."

His smile broadened, his dark eyes gleaming with a slightly maniacal light. "Yes, I think I would enjoy that very much."

The End


End file.
